The control freak. The know-it-all. The energy vampire. The negative critic. We’ve all dealt with them in one flavour or the other. Is there a way of dealing with toxic behaviour? Read on.
1. Separate Their Behaviour
Nobody is difficult all the time. Sometimes they do good things. Kind at times, encouraging, or help you with a task And this makes it hard to deal with the bad behaviour. Because we can justify their bad behaviour with their good behaviour. Separate the good from the bad. This makes it easier to hone in on the specific behaviour you want to address.
2. Focus On The Facts
Don’t get into an argument. It’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about getting your point across. Focusing on the facts keeps emotion out of the picture. You want to focus on the behaviour, not the person. There’s a good chance that they have a lifetime of arguing behind them. You don’t want to run this pattern.
3. Repeat Yourself
When you’re dealing with a controlling personality stick to your guns. They’ll tell you what to do and how to do it. All without considering your opinion or feelings. When this happens stick to one point. Keep repeating it until they lose interest. No matter what they suggest, keep repeating yourself & stick to that reason.
4. Challenge Negative Criticism
Never allow negative criticism to go unchallenged. If someone has criticized you, wait for them to calm down then approach them. Ask if what they meant what they said earlier. Most often they’ll go back on what they said. Criticism is always a distortion of facts. It attacks your identity and not your behaviour. Is uses words like always and never. But nobody is one way all the time. You can ask them (or yourself in your head):
- Is it a fact? Is that always the case?
- What else could this mean?
- How is this not true?
- Are there any exceptions where things were different?
5. Above All Stay Calm
It’s not what they do but how you react to it that counts. Imagine someone shouts at you saying you have green hair & an ugly hairstyle. But your hair isn’t green. Would you be upset? Would you feel down, knowing it’s not true? It’s not what other people say to you that matters. It’s how you respond to it that counts. It’s not the snake bite that kills you, it’s how you respond to the venom.
Everybody has an emotional home. We all have a place that we live emotionally. No matter what happens in the world, we find a way to get back to that emotional state. Happy people find a way to be happy. They can be at a funeral and will a way to laugh about something. Critics find a way to complain. They’ll be at a celebration complaining about the music, food and noise. Angry people will find something to be angry about. Grateful people will find something to appreciate.
Someone who’s negative, critical towards others or a control freak has that as their emotional home. Their self-talk towards themselves is negative, critical and demanding. When it becomes too much for them then they project onto others. So no matter how they act, remember one thing. It’s never about you.
Zen Transformation Coach 